A few seconds, perhaps. Minutes, or hours or days. Certainly, some of it dwells within us forever. I'm tempted to say that the presence fills our hearts for a brief time. (But I've never exactly been an optimist, so my opinion is not to be trusted!)
When returning from Mass (on good days) I have a heightened awareness of human life. When a motorcyclist on the interstate blows past in heavy traffic, I want to grab him and yell, "Slow down! Don't you know how precious your life is?!" Ordinarily, I would have wanted to grab him and yell something slightly less compassionate. It's an extraordinary thing, to catch a glimpse of the preciousness of a soul to God. These insights are the sustenance of Saints.
Slowly, the real world begins its invasion of this rosy outlook. Visit the CNN homepage. Car accidents, diseases, starvation, unfathomable poverty - murder. And while the divine presence burns within us, how much more grievous these atrocities seem! We have not yet been desensitized. During the week, we become immune to empathy - this immunity is a sickness.
A sickness that much of the world is afflicted with.
Medieval Christians were driven to form monasteries and convents, to escape the world. And lately, that idea seems appealing. The world needs an order of persons set apart, consecrated to prayer and holy living. How nice it would be to close oneself behind the heavy doors of a monastery.
This isn't where I'm being called. I'm not meant to be without a covenanted relationship, nor can I resist a few creature comforts the world has to offer. I know I'm not meant to be a monk.
Yet I grow increasingly uncomfortable with the way the world works. What is the "American dream?" To raise a family, buy a nice car, a nice house, and stuff it full of nice things. The accumulation of material possessions. This "dream" has seized the world. The rich piss their souls away to get richer. The poor desperately cling to degrading, dangerous, underpaying jobs, making stuff for the wealthy. In the end, is it worth it? When your possessions posses you, is it worth it?
(Disclaimer, if I may. There's nothing wrong with having a regular job and a place to live and something to get around in, of course. I'm just disgusted by how unabashedly consumed the vast majority of our culture seems to be with this idea.)
This quote (like most good quotes) I stole from Tamie's blog:
"Be content that you are not yet a saint, even though you realize that the only thing worth living for is sanctity. Then you will be satisfied to let God lead you to sanctity by paths that you cannot understand."
-Thomas Merton
4 comments:
Great post, Eric.
I too feel an inexplicable "pull" towards monasticism, but I also feel a sort of "aversion" because I know I would a miserable failure at it. And so for several years I've made as many visits to monasteries and religious houses as possible (though I'm sad to say I haven't been able to make any retreats for over a year now).
One of my favorite places to go is Clear Creek Monastery in Oklahoma. I would love to be an Oblate with them, but I'm not sure what they would say about my current "floating-in-limbo" ecclesial status.
Have you ever considered becoming a Benedictine Oblate with, say, St Gregory's Abbey, Three Rivers, MI?
I would suggest taking a look at the Franciscan Third Order- there is an Anglican one, as well.
I'm like you, as in I feel that I'm called to something "more." But I am not willing to do what I would need to do to enter the priesthood in the RCC. However, I am a Third Order Franciscan, and I do intend to enter the permanent Diaconate.
The Franciscan way of life is a "way to holiness"- it is a way to live between the friary and the world, a world of shadows between religious and secular life.
I urge, urge, urge you to check it out. From everything I've seen from you (which is, admittedly, little), I think you have Francis written all over you.
I had people jokingly and not so jokingly suggest I become an Episcopal nun back when I worked part time and made it to like 10 services a week. Of course, I also had a priest decide that maybe I needed to see a shrink because of that too... But I love the sense of peace after going to church, and I hadn't that of it as grace before. That's an interesting thought, thank you.
The life in community, while it has a deep appeal for many of us, isn't for many if us. The important thing is that there are people for whom such a life is right.
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